Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Stay and leave

There are two questions we always subconsciously ask ourselves- Where do we really want to go, and would we have liked to get here differently? We never realise it, but it is always there, ubiquitous, soaked in every decision we ever make, every thing we contemplate. Some of us, like, me, even wonder how we got here. Worse, should we stay in the same place, on the same road? I know that between the ages of 16 and now, somewhere, somehow, I lost track of things. Sure, when I did high school, I vaguely chose this path, of science and engineering. But why? That, I can never answer. I should've realised back then that it wasn't my cup of tea, heck, it wasn't even my VIEW of the cup of tea. I should've realised that the very fact that I was struggling with it meant that I shouldn't do it. But no, oh no no no, somehow, in this weird mind of mine, I figured that I was just about learning how to swim- and once I finished, it would be easy.

Little did I understand that learning how to swim is a totally different thing from living in the 'swimming pool' i'd chosen for eighty percent of my time. Because right now, that's what I think I will be doing. I did a degree in a course that I assumed would interest me, but guess what- It didn't. On the contrary, it made me hate 'swimming' and anything associated with it. Now, I shudder at the very sight of the swimming pool, and more at the thought of me being in it all the time. Suddenly, swimming doesn't seem fun. Swimming suddenly equals chore.

Maybe it isn't my fault, I keep telling myself. Maybe I WASN'T supposed to know back then, what I would really want in life. Maybe I was supposed to make this mistake. Mistake number two- I've been spending SO much time staring at the 'swimming' pool in dismay, I've totally forgotten that the time frame of trying to do something else has crept up on me and is soon going to leave. And here I am, unable to comprehend, confused about where to begin, still clutching my wet, chlorine-infused swimming trunks.

Sometimes I want to stay, and sometimes I want to leave. There are perks of staying and leaving, both, but I cannot go the rest of my life knowing what it is like on the other side. I've 'stayed' here, all my life. I want to get out, go, see the world, read the OTHER chapters. Try the OTHER sports. Live anOTHER life.

I know I'm not alone. There are people who've made decisions, and left, and now think differently than they used to- like Radhika. There are people like silverstreak, who have a love-hate relationship with everything they've done. There's perplexed, who doesn't want to be perplexed about what she wants anymore. They are all fantastic people, and those links will take you to fantastic posts. It's both comforting and scary, the fact that I've company. Is it normal for so many of us to feel this way? Or is it scary that SO many of us don't know what we really want? I guess we, as humans, can never be satisfied, even if we actually do end up doing what we like. To make things worse, in India atleast, the education system expects you to sort of figure out what you want reasonably early in life. Too early, in my case.

I guess, in the end, I do love a LOT of why I've stayed, and maybe to love it more, I have to leave. Time will creep up on me, like it does for everyone, but I guess I will have to find the confidence and sheer guts to pull my own self out of my comfort zone. I've made a lot of friends along the way, in the swimming pool, and they were the reason I even survived there. But I can't rely on other people to get me through my choices every single time, can I?

I suppose it's time to get out, time to leaf through the pages of some other sport, time to get a life. I'd change a lot of things about how I got here, but I'm guessing that even if I did, I'd probably want the things I've now found along the way. I have to go out and atleast attempt to leave, to get a different life. It may be exactly what I wanted, or it may be what I totally didn't bargain for.

But I can't go the rest of my life without knowing which.


Silverstreak said...

Each day I wake up and cannot decide where to go from here. In the swimming pool context: I know I want to get to the deep end, but how. Do I do a butterfly or a back stroke or a what?

I forgot where I was headed with that, so lets just stick to simple terms. Now that we've gotten here, its quite evident from the post, we don't want to stay put. There are so many questions, decisions, doubts, everything. I'm just hoping it comes to me, and that, it comes to me soon. Then I can tell you, dude , don't worry. It'll come to you too.

Here's to hoping. :)

perplexed said...

the bitter-sweet taste of growing up! but y'know whatever it is you choose or end up doing... it will all be for the better and there is no way to know the other side of every thing.. it will take more than one lifetime to experience it all... well... Good luck and have fun no matter what! :)

~R~ said...

Thanks for the support, you two!:)

Aradhana said...

One lifetime just isn't enough. Often (very often) I think of how things would be had I chosen differently. And if I'd been brought up differently. And how that would've then affected my decisions. And who I am. Would it be better or worse, or just different. Would I be more of myself.. Or less. Or do you only create yourself as you go along?

Hiroshima said...

From someone who chose something completely different I can tell you that you'll end up doubting things even when they're what you really want to do. We as the human race are just made that way...

It'll get better though. That's all i can say. Hope that helps. :)

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