Tuesday, May 19, 2009

See how it has really begun

Ugh. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

At this rate, I'm going to start truly hating some people. *refer previous post titled 'Over to the Dark Side'.*

When you've got TWO ranting posts one straight after the other, and your actual intent is actually to write about things you ponder about, not silly things like this, you know you're in trouble.

People can be complex. People can be aloof. People can mind their own business and not give a tiny hoot about you. People can be difficult.

All that I can handle.

But when people are smug, people smirk inside their heads and you can hear it outside, people try and act like they're not doing anything that will hurt you, and worst of all, people can be totally, totally inconsiderate, literally peeing their ego about all over the place like the alpha wolf, then they really deserve a slap in the face.
Unfortunately, no one really does that.

I'm struggling to contain myself, but I'm really not going to say more. I think the nice me is tugging at my strings now. She's saying, shh! Shut up, and it'll go away.

It had better.

Over to The Dark Side

Okay, so the title is an exaggeration. It really is. But I'm in a dramatic frame of mind, and rightly so.

I'm changing, and I can feel it.

Me changing is something that happens quite often, but never with such noticeable implications, you know? Normally I myself don't realise that I've changed. It usually happens in this very sneaky manner, and only when the change is complete do I go 'Whoa!'

But not this time.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. But I don't feel like, I feel like going in reverse and that, again, is not me. Normally I like starting with the prologue, the introduction, and then bring gently to the present. But now I feel like shouting it out from the rooftops, starting in reverse, screaming things out from my lungs simply because I cannot be my own secret-keeper anymore. I feel like getting to the point, and I will. Here goes.

I am finally, finally, not the nicest person in the world, anymore.

Whew. That's all, you ask? Weren't you rude before?
Well, No. Not in the true sense of the word anyway.

Really. I didn't say much about people behind their backs. Hardly. The only people I'd ever hated were the ones that had actually done things to genuinely hurt me. Genuinely. Even then, I'd still give them one last chance. Maybe two. Maybe three. It would've taken a LOT for me to tell someone to actually get lost. Don't get me wrong here, it's not like I cannot use actual expletives! But It took a lot for me to dislike someone, and I usually had concrete reasons. I was never the sort of person who didn't like anyone just because I felt like that person gave me these 'bad vibes' that everyone talks about. I never judged on the first meeting. I'd taught myself that everyone deserves a few chances.

But no longer.

Now, I get irritated by the smallest, tiniest things. People's flaws have been blown bigger by this invisible magnifying glass above themselves, and its an instrument I'm finding hard to ignore. I'm not perfect and I'm full of flaws myself, and I know that, but suddenly I've become more aware of others' than my own. Never before have I felt the urge to call up friends and crib and bitch for hours about some small thing that happened to me because of what someone said. Never before have I felt resentment towards people because of the little things. Never before, have I been unable to let things go. The little things.

*This has nothing to do with my previous post, for those who've read it. *

Funnily enough, I think some other people are changing, too. Check this post out, if you don't believe me. I read that and couldn't stop smiling..it was almost as if the reverse had happened to perplexed. Ditto with Ping.

I don't know if this a natural course that I needed to take in life, I don't know if it's because people eventually get tired of trying to be nice, and I don't know if this is an outcome of circumstance. But for the first time, I'm not so tired anymore. I'm not so tired of putting up with things. I either get myself out of situations or bitch or make it clear that I won't. And I think I like not being that tired, I really do.

Sure, I miss the old me. The old me gave people the benefit of the doubt, nearly every single time. The old me would've been easier to like, I suppose. Should I go back to the old me? I don't know, but I'm not sure that change is even under my control, anymore. I mean, it feels good to get even minor annoyances out in the open. It feels great to express disgust, to express irritation, to express how infuriated things make me feel. It's such a relief, really.

The old me still partially exists, because she's the one writing this right now. The new me wouldn't care enough to. The new me wouldn't even care to analyse the difference because she's happy enough with herself.

It's like two different people inside me, and I'm excited to see who pulls what strings....

This post is dedicated to two people who are probably heralding this change as the bright shining sun in not only my life but theirs, adt and Ping! And to Firefox, who I know will love me anyway.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Little things

What makes and breaks a relationship? I'm sure everyone's pondered the answer to that question at some point in their lives, regardless of the number of relationships they've been in. What brings people together and what takes them apart? Are they two different things? Are they two sides of the same thing?
Worse, are they both...the same things?

I've asked a lot of people this, people who've been successful at handling their relationship, people who haven't, people who've never been in a relationship and people who have and hence don't want to anymore. I've got a lot of responses, but none of them were answers. No, really, no one knows the answer to this one. I'm sure psychologists don't either, because then they'd all have the most successful relationships on the planet, and I know for a fact that that is not the case. If someone figured out the answer to this one, he'd have figured out what can effectively be seen as the secret to life. People all over the world would have their problem solved, a ubiquitous problem at that.

All I could get, however, were that a shocking majority of people said that it was the little things that finally did it. The little things not only brought them together, but it also took them apart. The very same things, apparently. They finally get to you. 'You assume life is all about these big things', someone once said to me. 'You hold up a trough together with all these rocks and suddenly the little rocks start falling through the holes, creating more space for the big ones to fall, and before you know it, you've got an empty trough with two angry people fighting to throw it at each other.'

The little things. The teensy, tiny little things. That get to you.

the way you dance to that beat
the way you obsess about things
the way you drink. the way you eat
the way you sing.
the way you look when you sleep
the way you lie
the way you lose things. the way you keep.
the way you cry.
the way you love pretense
the way you lack respect, too.
they way you treat others, and hence
the way others treat you.
the way you think you know it all
the way you start to joke
the way you can't handle a fall
the way you're broke.
the way you cannot do what I like anymore
even though you used to
the way you complain when you're sore
and while I'm still trying, too.
the way you play the blame-game
the way you are with my friends
the way you act tame
the way you react when you're tense
the way you are about PDA
the way you give me space
the way you talk, the way you say
the way you greet. your face.
the way you love. the way you think
the way you judge, gauge.
the way you're always on the brink
the way you change.

I wonder if it's true. What do you think?

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

I hate the way you make my rhyme

Dished out, dished out
Scoop out and thrive
Sulk, Pout. Sulk, pout.
And like this, you survive.
And all because I made the same
mistake you've always made
Because it's easier for you to shift blame
It's been a while since I've felt the fade.
I'd assumed I'd get used to it
I wish I'd thought. Halt.
things should have never been this way
You think it's all my fault.
I smile, I'm scared, inside
put myself together, grains of sand.
I pretend. Avoid. Hide.
I'm the opposite of what you planned.
While I want to change, I want to be
the person you thought I was
I am my own, and you can't see
anything beyond my flaws.
Grab away, your pride above
every low I've pushed to reach
Maybe you've forgot the meaning of love
and you're too stubborn to let me teach.
So what should I do? Leave you alone
for all this to go nowhere?
Circles, circles, hushed deep tones
and I hate that it's so unfair.
because all I did, and all i want
is for you to give a little damn
i can't do more. I can't.
but I'll try even more, that's who I am.
So while you live your own world
of the things that I don't do right
All I can do, is sleep on it, curled
and pray that you won't bite.
Maybe someday you'll get how much
I tried, but you didn't budge
I don't think you'll ever see it now, as such
Dished out, shallow, the judge.
So I did what I always do, I wrote
something cheesy to get if off my mind
and strangely enough, its working. I hope.
Stand up. Shut up. Rewind.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

The Jackalope Philosophies

After the rain comes the sunshine, they say. I've always loved both equally, but you've gotta admit- sunshine makes you feel happier doesn't it? No? Well, it certainly makes me feel that way. Not the sickening heat, but a clear, happy day.

Today started off badly..I had this unsettling feeling in my stomach when I tried installing a new version of kubuntu myself. I'd had feisty fawn for god alone knows how long, and the repositories were all so old that they'd developed fungus, I'm guessing. Nothing worked. The time had come. Out with the old, and let's usher in the new, I said to myself. The problem, however, is that I've never been any good as an usher.

Thankfully, linux-lifesaver came, and saved the day. I'm talking about none other than Punnu, who is DEFINITELY going to be the reason I will spend money on a steak at Millers, real soon. The poor (and very smart) boy managed to fix some things, but Alas! (don't you just LOVE words like Alas? Alas!) The Jaunty Jackalope managed to crash quite a few times. I don't know who looked more crestfallen then- me, or him.

But if at first you don't succeed, try, try, one more time before you nearly shoot yourself. Right? Or something to that effect. I tried one more time, and Lo Behold! (Man, you've got to love exclamatory expressions.) It worked! As you read, I am working on a somewhat stable 9.04, and firefox is working and qmake is working and it is all joy everywhere and I hope it lasts.

However, poor sutta's comp crashed after this. What saying makes for this now? Hmm...Life is a rollercoaster? It was quite a thump, really. I felt really guilty because just then I was thinking..Man, her comp has a good music collection- must take! Sigh!

Anyway, at the end of what has been a jaunty day, I can only smile, because my rusted guitar didn't give punnu tetanus, we sang, I bought a Prince squash racquet after MUCH running around, I didn't buy Vijayanthi shoes (gag moi) and at the end of the day...

I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless,but not for long
The future is coming on
I ain't happy, I'm feeling glad
I got sunshine, in a bag
I'm useless, but not for long
The future is coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on
It's coming on

You've got to love Clint Eastwood.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Me of many shades

*Narcissistic post alert..don't say that I didn't warn you!*

Over the last month, I've experienced a lot of things. Simple things that've made me change my mind about who I am and what I think of myself. I used to think that I'm a pretty complex person, one who is hard to please, really..what with me being so materialistic and impatient and what's worse by FAR is that I get bored, EASILY.

But it turns out I'm really not like that. Not all that much, anyway.

It turns out that I like simple, real-life things, too. I'd gotten very un-real, in my opinion. I'd stopped seeing the sunset everyday, and to most people that isn't such a Big deal. I get that. But to me, it is. There were basic things that made me happy, things I'd happily forgotten for a while. Things like watching the sunset from my balcony (which is a spectacular view of it), smelling the rain on dry mud, the thrill of watching morning wash over the world, the feeling of running in the rain. Nature and everyday things are pretty darn awesome. Somehow, somewhere, I was caught up in some ridiculous world where I'd forgotten that.

So for a whole month I sort of went back to who I used to be years ago. (Years years ago, because I became internet-addicted very early.) I stopped using the internet, I stopped blogging, I stopped writing. I decided to just..experience, and leave it there for once. Not go back and write about it. It was a feeling that wasn't expressed in words, wasn't put down on a webpage or a journal, but something that just stayed in my head and made me feel like something had happened. That's what they call "memories", i guess.

AYT asked me, at one point, when a bunch of us were sitting on Punnu's terrace just staring at the road and the lights at probably 3 A.M, "Don't you just wish you had your laptop right now to write about this?". Funnily enough, I didn't. I loved how I'd gotten over my dependence on this thing- I now know I'll no longer write because I need to. I'll write because I want to.

Over the last month I've gone on an awesome trek to skandagiri..I won't post about it because I've come to believe that you should go there and experience it instead. Instead of reading what I've to say about it. It was amazing in more ways than one, and I can safely say that going and doing regular things now- like clubbing, etc just seems way too boring now. I like how I'm going different things on weekends..playing paintball, learning new things, meeting new (and not) people, and I don't think I mentioned going on a bike ride after midnight, did I? I even learnt how to cook something, ran in the rain, smiled about things that I've always hated about myself. I did things that didn't involve my computer, my ipod, my phone. I grew out of that zone and I'm glad I did.

So, yes, I'm back to the materialistic things, too....But not because I have no other choice. I think I now know that to truly live, you have to do a little bit of everything, and I don't think I have a problem being a jack of all trades. Maybe he really didn't get to be the master of anyone, but that also means he got to do everything, not get bored, and have a good time doing it all.

This post is dedicated to the faithful sunset outside my window, which I just saw while I started this post.

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