Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Over to The Dark Side

Okay, so the title is an exaggeration. It really is. But I'm in a dramatic frame of mind, and rightly so.

I'm changing, and I can feel it.

Me changing is something that happens quite often, but never with such noticeable implications, you know? Normally I myself don't realise that I've changed. It usually happens in this very sneaky manner, and only when the change is complete do I go 'Whoa!'

But not this time.

Maybe I should start at the beginning. But I don't feel like, I feel like going in reverse and that, again, is not me. Normally I like starting with the prologue, the introduction, and then bring gently to the present. But now I feel like shouting it out from the rooftops, starting in reverse, screaming things out from my lungs simply because I cannot be my own secret-keeper anymore. I feel like getting to the point, and I will. Here goes.

I am finally, finally, not the nicest person in the world, anymore.

Whew. That's all, you ask? Weren't you rude before?
Well, No. Not in the true sense of the word anyway.

Really. I didn't say much about people behind their backs. Hardly. The only people I'd ever hated were the ones that had actually done things to genuinely hurt me. Genuinely. Even then, I'd still give them one last chance. Maybe two. Maybe three. It would've taken a LOT for me to tell someone to actually get lost. Don't get me wrong here, it's not like I cannot use actual expletives! But It took a lot for me to dislike someone, and I usually had concrete reasons. I was never the sort of person who didn't like anyone just because I felt like that person gave me these 'bad vibes' that everyone talks about. I never judged on the first meeting. I'd taught myself that everyone deserves a few chances.

But no longer.

Now, I get irritated by the smallest, tiniest things. People's flaws have been blown bigger by this invisible magnifying glass above themselves, and its an instrument I'm finding hard to ignore. I'm not perfect and I'm full of flaws myself, and I know that, but suddenly I've become more aware of others' than my own. Never before have I felt the urge to call up friends and crib and bitch for hours about some small thing that happened to me because of what someone said. Never before have I felt resentment towards people because of the little things. Never before, have I been unable to let things go. The little things.

*This has nothing to do with my previous post, for those who've read it. *

Funnily enough, I think some other people are changing, too. Check this post out, if you don't believe me. I read that and couldn't stop smiling..it was almost as if the reverse had happened to perplexed. Ditto with Ping.

I don't know if this a natural course that I needed to take in life, I don't know if it's because people eventually get tired of trying to be nice, and I don't know if this is an outcome of circumstance. But for the first time, I'm not so tired anymore. I'm not so tired of putting up with things. I either get myself out of situations or bitch or make it clear that I won't. And I think I like not being that tired, I really do.

Sure, I miss the old me. The old me gave people the benefit of the doubt, nearly every single time. The old me would've been easier to like, I suppose. Should I go back to the old me? I don't know, but I'm not sure that change is even under my control, anymore. I mean, it feels good to get even minor annoyances out in the open. It feels great to express disgust, to express irritation, to express how infuriated things make me feel. It's such a relief, really.

The old me still partially exists, because she's the one writing this right now. The new me wouldn't care enough to. The new me wouldn't even care to analyse the difference because she's happy enough with herself.

It's like two different people inside me, and I'm excited to see who pulls what strings....

This post is dedicated to two people who are probably heralding this change as the bright shining sun in not only my life but theirs, adt and Ping! And to Firefox, who I know will love me anyway.


Ping said...

I've never been this proud of you. EVER. Really. I claim this as a personal achievement!

Welcome to the dark side... literally!

Ping said...

Also, I shall NEVER change!! Just emphasizing on that!

~R~ said...

Lol yeah..it is your personal achievement!

perplexed said...

it does feel great to be bitchy! now, doesn't it?? It's great to be reading this post after what i went through.. the yucky sweet phase that is! so to celebrate this we could start the bitchslap blog now eh? lol..

but seriously, it's good to be sweet but people often don't get it right and take it all for granted and besides it feels ohh so awesome to say it like it is! :P

~R~ said...

Hmm, that's true. People DO tend to take the niceness for granted sometimes. Worse, some people assume its fake.

Bitchy does have some serious plus points! Let's see how long it lasts!

Hiroshima said...

FINALLY!! FINALLY!! After almost TEN YEARS of coaching!!


Bitchslap needs to be borned.. :)

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