Saturday, February 23, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Six Reasons why Bangalore Bites:
1. The existing airport is like a bus terminal. Now I know why its called an 'Airbus'. And, the new airport is a destination in itself. Getting there from home now sets me back by 1000 bucks and Two hours or more.
I know. Charming.
2. The dance floors are all closed, thanks to the Cops assuming that everyone wants to dance like they're in a dance bar. Sorry to disappoint you folks, but not everyone wants to be the Nation's next Chameli. Some people just need to have some fun after a rough week.
But that's blasphemy. Of course.
3. Because of (2), DJ Tiesto won't be coming here. Hyderabad, however, got very lucky. Just imagine. The whole country has clubs and the supposed 'Cosmopolitan' city can't even host a major welcome for the world's best DJ? Cosmopolitan, my sitting-at-home-on-saturday-bottom.
4. Live Bands can no longer play in some places. Wow. I didn't know Live Bands=Disastrous consequences for the community. If that's the case, Those guitars should really come with a statutory warning and an Age limit.
Oops. I shouldn't have said that. At the rate we're going, they'll probably actually enforce it.
5. Rules such as 'Cars with even-numbered license plates can only be driven on even days' are actually proposed.
People have conveniently forgotten that we're a democracy, and we DON'T have a public/Mass transport system that's to die for. We have one that actually caused numerous deaths.
Bravo, whoever came up with that. How clairvoyant. *Hmmph!!*
6. Educated, classy 'Bangaloreans' still litter.
What I'd really like to do, is to stuff all that garbage in their champagne glasses, their cars, in their shampoo bottles and down their pretentious throats.
I blame it all in 'Bangalore' being changed to the extremely unnecessary 'Bengalooru'. What is with the name changing? The Anglicised names have something to do with our history. Why attempt to change it? Its more a sign of insecurity than anything else, if you ask me.
One reason why I still love this place:
Monday, February 11, 2008
Its all true, folks.
Yes, giving someone a teddy bear or a balloon or whatever with "I love you" written on it in red and white- that is the shit. True love. Like the million others that will receive the exact same thing. Because THAT will truly convey how special it all is to you. Well done.
Yes, heart shaped anything-that is the shit. Never mind that the whole world seems heart painted on valentines day, never mind that your irises just might become heart shaped after the extravaganza, never mind that the heart really isn't shaped like that, and god knows how pink got into the picture. Gag moi.
And yes, spending all your money on valentine's day- Way to go! Why surprise someone when you can take them out on the day when everyone taken everyone out? You simply must go out on a day when every place is flowing with more love-struck mongers, just so you can all look at each other and feel so privileged, for the lack of privacy, and for the love you all share in that crowd. In twos, of course.
Oh, and lets not forget- spending your pockets off is the only way to show someone you care.
Huh? What's that? Did you say something about spending time and being nice through the year? I didn't quite hear.
Now, now, don't worry. If you do feel like something's wrong, open up the mushy card with flowers and words written on it, and Know that this is indeed, what stuff from the love shack is made of.
Oh, so this card this year has red roses and last year's had white? Oh, I see.
Or, you can spend valentine's day, my way.
Go pamper yourself till your toes want to smile. Get a nice haircut. Get some retail therapy. Get a nice movie, some chocolate, a drink you'd never normally buy for yourself, or that one thing you've always wanted to buy.
Take a bubble bath. Turn up the volume.
Meet friends you haven't met in ages, or the ones you never have time for.
Prank call people (a group favourite).
Do something totally different for the person you love from the bottom of your toes. Surprise them when they least expect it.
Or give them some breathing space.
Shock your parents by doing something nice. And then get privileges you could really use.
Throw a party. God knows, your friends in Bangalore need one.
Think beyond red and pink.
Mr know-it-all Cupid is actually a baby, after all.
Also....No offense meant, personally, to anyone.
Saturday, February 2, 2008
So...I have an Owl Problem.
Firstly, when people tell you an owl makes a 'Hoot' sound, you picture it as something friendly, maybe spooky.
They're wrong. Owls can sound like the voice you've imagined death to have.
Really. They screech like they're not-so-cute little owlie insides are being torn apart by some deathly force that we can't see in the night. You know, them being nocturnal and all. Its great that they sleep during the day, but how am I supposed to get some shut-eye when they scream like a dozen pregnant screams all the time?! You'd think it would stop for a few hours, but it doesn't. It goes on for hours and hours.
To make things worse, now lil' "Hell" (Thats owl's nickname) now has a friend. I'm assuming "blowhorn" (named oh-so-fondly after The blowhorn) is female, because otherwise, two Male owls talking and screaming every night for hours is just...gay. Imagine. I don't know about owls and their mating lives, but anyway..
So I live on the Eleventh floor and these two owls just won't go away. They sit on a higher level ledge and, well..they're there, screeching away all night. I know.
I can tell you that I've tried everything. I've shone light on both owls for ages. Ive used many (hundreds) Of powerful camera flashes and this red laser light on them. I've screamed back. Ive left lights on. What I can only do now, is throw things at them. But I can't bring myself to (as much as I'd dearly love to whack hell and blowhorn with absolutely anything).
So, I did some research. Here's what I found.
- This pic with an owl's face superimposed on a pig's snout. Talk about optical illusion!
-It sucks that I'm here, in Bangalore.Because there are companies called 'Bird buster' and 'Bird-x' that make products and ensure that these pesky birds are gotten rid of in the most natural, non-harmful way possible. NO teary good-bye, though. Just...Hello sleep!!
I couldn't find a way to order the products and get service here though. Not yet.
-It turns out that owls don't like a change of location. Basically, they're leeches on wings. They find a place and stay there for upto 10 years or more!
Now, you can imagine how good this makes me feel.
-I also read-"They talk all the time- hooting, squealing, shrieking, whistling, trilling, grumbling--even barking. They are best known, however, for a call that sounds like, "Who cooks for you.. who cooks for you-all?"
Lol...No believe me, it sounds like...."CCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"
-"Big owls have deeper voices than small ones."
Both these owls are huge and scream like There's no tomorrow to scream, too.
-"Owls are birds of prey and often hunt at night."
Then how come they're screaming throughout?? Why can't they atleast eat??!
-"Owls have held a variety of symbolic meanings in culture and have represented misfortune, death, wisdom and prosperity."
Right. Now...Didn't the same sentence have completely contradicting implications?!!
-Also, Online, Someone asked people the following question at a forum:
"How do you make an owl sound with your hands?"
Here are the responses:
1- Put hands together placing all fingers on right hand in the crevice between left thumb and forefinger. Put thumbs together and clasp left hand around top of right knuckles. Blow softly through the small crack between thumbs (just below thumb knuckles).
Once you have mastered a single note by doing this , you can make a waving motion with your left hand (still holding on to right hand) and it will waiver the note!
2-I don't give a hoot.
3-Stick your thumb
in its, er...tum.
4-Simply make a fist as if to cough into your hand put your hand over your mouth and say the words hoo hoo ho hoooooo.
You can also go to walmart and purchase something called a hoot tube, it is used for turkey hunting.
I tried 1 and 4. They sound like something, not quite owl-like, but like a whooshing noise.
I'm going to go and try using it on the owls now! I'm secretly hoping the owls get scared or angry and leave.
I'm totally welcome to any suggestions on how to get rid of my Buddies, hell and blowhorn. And if you're asking yourself why I'm writing about owls, Just try sleeping with that noise and if you haven't bought a gun or blogged about it or complained incessantly, you're completely deaf.