Not a hoot!

So...I have an Owl Problem.

Firstly, when people tell you an owl makes a 'Hoot' sound, you picture it as something friendly, maybe spooky.
They're wrong. Owls can sound like the voice you've imagined death to have.

Really. They screech like they're not-so-cute little owlie insides are being torn apart by some deathly force that we can't see in the night. You know, them being nocturnal and all. Its great that they sleep during the day, but how am I supposed to get some shut-eye when they scream like a dozen pregnant screams all the time?! You'd think it would stop for a few hours, but it doesn't. It goes on for hours and hours.

To make things worse, now lil' "Hell" (Thats owl's nickname) now has a friend. I'm assuming "blowhorn" (named oh-so-fondly after The blowhorn) is female, because otherwise, two Male owls talking and screaming every night for hours is just...gay. Imagine. I don't know about owls and their mating lives, but anyway..
So I live on the Eleventh floor and these two owls just won't go away. They sit on a higher level ledge and, well..they're there, screeching away all night. I know.
Simply Delightful.

I can tell you that I've tried everything. I've shone light on both owls for ages. Ive used many (hundreds) Of powerful camera flashes and this red laser light on them. I've screamed back. Ive left lights on. What I can only do now, is throw things at them. But I can't bring myself to (as much as I'd dearly love to whack hell and blowhorn with absolutely anything).

So, I did some research. Here's what I found.

- This pic with an owl's face superimposed on a pig's snout. Talk about optical illusion!


-It sucks that I'm here, in Bangalore.Because there are companies called 'Bird buster' and 'Bird-x' that make products and ensure that these pesky birds are gotten rid of in the most natural, non-harmful way possible. NO teary good-bye, though. Just...Hello sleep!!
I couldn't find a way to order the products and get service here though. Not yet.

-It turns out that owls don't like a change of location. Basically, they're leeches on wings. They find a place and stay there for upto 10 years or more!
Now, you can imagine how good this makes me feel.
-I also read-"They talk all the time- hooting, squealing, shrieking, whistling, trilling, grumbling--even barking. They are best known, however, for a call that sounds like, "Who cooks for you.. who cooks for you-all?"
Lol...No believe me, it sounds like...."CCCCCCCCCCCCRRRRRRRRRRRAWWWWWWWWW!!!!!"

-"Big owls have deeper voices than small ones."
Both these owls are huge and scream like There's no tomorrow to scream, too.

-"Owls are birds of prey and often hunt at night."
Then how come they're screaming throughout?? Why can't they atleast eat??!

-"Owls have held a variety of symbolic meanings in culture and have represented misfortune, death, wisdom and prosperity."
Right. Now...Didn't the same sentence have completely contradicting implications?!!

-Also, Online, Someone asked people the following question at a forum:
"How do you make an owl sound with your hands?"
Here are the responses:

1- Put hands together placing all fingers on right hand in the crevice between left thumb and forefinger. Put thumbs together and clasp left hand around top of right knuckles. Blow softly through the small crack between thumbs (just below thumb knuckles).
Once you have mastered a single note by doing this , you can make a waving motion with your left hand (still holding on to right hand) and it will waiver the note!

2-I don't give a hoot.

3-Stick your thumb
in its, er...tum.
(Beats me)

4-Simply make a fist as if to cough into your hand put your hand over your mouth and say the words hoo hoo ho hoooooo.
You can also go to walmart and purchase something called a hoot tube, it is used for turkey hunting.

I tried 1 and 4. They sound like something, not quite owl-like, but like a whooshing noise.

I'm going to go and try using it on the owls now! I'm secretly hoping the owls get scared or angry and leave.

I'm totally welcome to any suggestions on how to get rid of my Buddies, hell and blowhorn. And if you're asking yourself why I'm writing about owls, Just try sleeping with that noise and if you haven't bought a gun or blogged about it or complained incessantly, you're completely deaf.